Honathan Joffman’s application for Chief Rabbi
Name: Honathan Joffman
Nominated by Reverend Jim Ignatowski, Seconded by Watchful Iris
Rabbinic training: Yeshivot of Life, Department of Hasbarafia
Married: Amber….no, no I mean Leah….no, sorry I mean Yvetta….well, whatever her name is, I have unrestricted access to her wardrobe. Happily for 30 years but it’s looking a bit rocky at the moment on account of the amount of time I’m spending on the streets with Cabby Garfield and Redoubtable Indispensible Dicky Millet.
I stand squarely on the simple platform, ABGC. Anybody But Geoffrey Cohen. I was outraged at the suggestion that the Chief Rabbi need not necessarily be a Jew. If this “Cohen” person gets elected, before you know it, we will have Goys making the tea at the Jewish Chronicle and Goys being put up to stand against me in ZF elections, thereby undermining the long-established tradition of my getting elected unopposed.
Get your stop Cohen buttons from the Joffman Chronicled online shop! The PSC is selling them too, but their postage rates suck.
I promise a more Jewish community, and don’t go thinking that just because someone’s name is Cohen, Liebler, or Lieberman that they are proper Jews. Some of the best Jews I ever met were called Lake, Robinson, Carroll and Moore. You should have seen how these EDL guys rattled through my proper Jew test, and that was after countless pints in a Monmouth Street pub. I’d like to see Rabbi Geoffrey Cohen give it a try:
1. Examples of active participation in synagogue services over the last six months
2. The number of mezuzot in your home
3. Fluency in reading/speaking Hebrew
4. Participation in rabbinical shiurim in the past six months
5. Positions held within the Jewish community
6. Extent of kashrut observance
7. Examples of active support for Israel in past six months
8. Frequency of synagogue attendance
Within 4 hours of my election:
Bournemouth will be nuked.
Stephen Pollard will be knighted.
Dan Sheldon will be more substantially circumcised so as to remove any semblance of doubt.
An online subscription account will be opened to buy cabbie Garfield a stretch limo.
Adam Levick will be given a job.
Redoubtable Indispensible Dickie Millet will be allocated a life.
All Deputies will be required to take the proper Jew test thereby exposing the AsaJews among them (the overwhelming majority).
Rabbi Geoffrey Cohen will be sent to Gitmo.
Brucie Queen of Renegade Jews Levy will be sentenced to writing out 10,000 times “ISM/PSC want to kill Jews like me” (in his own blood).
These are solemn inalienable promises. But don’t worry, as is well-known, when I lie, I apologise.
Honathan Joffman, Esq.